Use your words

"Use your words." This is the phrase I say at least once while I'm babysitting, working with children at church, or spending time with my nieces and nephews. I remind them of the importance of using the necessary words to describe what they're trying to relay to me and also the importance in making sure that they are kind words.

Using your words is sometimes easier said than done, especially when it comes to yourself.

We can be very particularly judgmental of ourselves because nobody hears those harsh words. We whisper those harsh words of self-condemnation when we look in a mirror and we don't like the reflection, or we may whisper those harsh words in our minds when someone walks by and we become jealous of his/her beauty. These oppressive words we speak to and about ourselves can be detrimental in living out our calling as children of God.

This reminder of how we see ourselves and speak about ourselves was brought to my attention again last week when Dove released their newest campaign for beauty. In this campaign, they had a forensic artist come in and sketch the women using only the description of themselves that they provided. These same women were then asked to spend time with other individuals who were intentional about studying these women. The sketch artist then asked the other individuals to describe the women they had met and he drew another sketch. The two portraits were drastically different.

When asked to describe themselves, the women were quick to note the faults they see when they look in the mirror -- a protruding chin, big forehead, or a round face. Their descriptions of themselves did not match what they really look like. They saw themselves through a distorted lens because of the words they speak to and about themselves daily. These negative, fault-finding words create people who are self-oppressed and hurting.

We find it easy to compliment others and tell them how beautiful they are. We often think before we speak to others, but we don't take the time to do it before we speak to ourselves.

We are children of God, who are fearfully and wonderfully made. To look into a mirror and use any other words to describe what we see is tainting the image God wants us to see.

The questions we should ask ourselves before we speak, even when we're speaking to ourselves:
1) Is it true?
2) Is it helpful?
3) Is it inspiring?
4) Is it necessary?
5) Is it kind?

Don't use words with yourself you wouldn't say to someone else. Guard what you say to yourself, be kind to yourself, and "use your words."

Type A, much?

Those who know me know that I have a "Type A" personality. I like control, order, and perfection -- I won't settle for anything less.

Planning and organizing are some of the things I do best. I have far too many lists, but that is how I operate and thrive. Give me a pen and paper and I can make a "must accomplish these things" list for any area of my life. I have my list of things to accomplish every day. I have a list of goals I want to accomplish concerning school work. I have a list of life-long goals I want to accomplish, specifically concerning ministry. I even have a bucket list, though some things on it will never will get marked off of it.

I have so much I want to accomplish, and I seem to think that if I plan enough then maybe God will get the memo and get on my schedule, though I know this is not how it works. I find myself being disappointed when my planning becomes futile as my lists get longer and my goals farther away.

It's not that planning is wrong. Without lists and planning, I would probably forget to eat (seriously, I don't know why this is something I forget to do) and finish school assignments. The problem arises, however, when planning becomes less about organization and more about worry. When things don't work out the way I want or at the specific time that I want, then I'm flooded with unnecessary emotions -- I'm uneasy, baffled, angry, overwhelmed, and discouraged -- and it is exhausting.

So, this afternoon I decided that I was going to take the time and simply sit at the feet of Jesus, free of lists and other constraints. There was more freedom, peace, and comfort during this time than any amount of time I've spent trying to create peace of mind with my copious amounts of lists. It is a comfort held in the promise whispered from God, "I am in control."

I probably won't stop writing lists, or I will forget important things I need to do, but I am working on freeing myself from the unnecessary chains of worry that I have created with my self-constraining lists. God is in control, and I want to be open to go in whatever direction God leads.

With this in mind, I've created one to-do list for tomorrow and it has only one thing written: trust God.

Loosen the Bondage ...

This weekend (Thursday-Saturday), I went on a Spiritual Formation Retreat with my Divinity School to Camp Agape in Fuquay-Varina, NC.

I was excited about the trip because I had a number of great friends who were going, but I also had my reservations. I had been sick all week, we are at the beginning of the NCAA Tournament and knew I would be missing part of the Carolina game on Friday night, and I knew how much work was awaiting me when I left the retreat. So much on my mind, with very little room to allow God to speak.

Upon arrival, I unloaded my belongings, went to dinner, and found myself starting the process of going through the motions. We're all good at that at times. It was during our first small-group discussion after Thursday evening's session, however, that I began to see that God was not going to let me get by with just going through the motions all weekend. I needed to be present and let down walls. When I was able to finally do that and become truly invested in those around me, I was able to witness God's love in a new way and through so many different faces.

Our Retreat House

We had moments where we retreated from the group and dwelled alone with God. We had moments where we met in pairs and discussed how we know God loves us. We had moments when we were in groups and we shared our faith stories and the glimpses of God seen over the course of the weekend. We had moments spent in communal worship -- listening to scripture, praying, and singing. But despite what the moment looked like, God was present in every one.

In keeping with the confidence and sacred sharing space of the group, I still have to share one table discussion (with the approval of the table's members). In our last small-group meeting, our table discussed how special it is and what it means to be a part of the community at Campbell Divinity School. This is a community that welcomes and invites God's presence. Knowing you can approach a professor about your struggles and he/she will take the time to listen and pray with you, having each class begin with prayer, and being led by faculty and staff who can walk in a room and you can sense the presence of God -- these are extraordinary moments when we are all reminded of the beauty of being a part of such a strong community of faith.

And that's what this weekend reminded me. I was reminded this weekend through the topic of "Resurrection Life" and the scripture from John 11:1-45 that we are called to resurrected life and yearn for it, but we often still carry the stink of death and are tangled up in our bondage. The power of this passage, though, is that it reminds us to recognize the importance of community. Jesus calls others to unbind Lazarus after he resurrects him. We are likewise called to help loosen the burial clothes of others, just a little, and live out this resurrected life. Thankful for having this community at Campbell Divinity that helps loosen the bondage as we "help each other walk the mile and bear the load."

God is present

It's spring break, or "reading days" as it's called in grad school, and I am able to finally spend a few days at home visiting various family members and loving on my nieces and nephews. 

I love spending time with my sweet nieces and nephews because their innocence is a respite from the demands of adulthood. They are concerned and focused only on the present, and they remind me to take the time to rest in the present, too. Though I still have to devote time to reading and studying in preparation for upcoming midterms, I am intentional about being present for them without worrying about future concerns.

Children have a way of prompting you to observe and reflect on how you spend your time and energy. Is it spent worrying about the future or are you available to see the beauty in the present?

As I reflect on my time spent with my nieces and nephews, I am reminded of the importance of resolute faith. They have unwavering faith in me. When they jump, they know I will be there to catch them. When they succeed, they know I am there to cheer them on and support them. When they are scared, they have faith that I will hold them tight, comfort them, and reassure them that I am present with them. 

Our faith in God should have the same unfaltering, steady, and enduring qualities. 

We will have to take leaps into the unknown, and know that God is present. We will succeed at some endeavors, and God will be present. We will be scared at times, and God will hold us, comfort us, and God will be present. 

We must continue to have faith in God like children have in us. This type of faith is developed and cultivated through an intimate relationship consisting of trust and hope. Even when we feel like God doesn't care, we have faith that assures us and gives us hope that God is present. My nieces and nephews have reminded me of this, and my faith has been strengthened during this break by seeing their constant and hope-filled faith in me. 

Five years.

Anniversaries are not just for the good days, like birthdays and weddings -- they are for the hard days, too.

Today is an important anniversary in my life, but it's not an anniversary for a good day. Today is the day my life was changed with some earth-shattering news that no one could possibly prepare themselves for. It's amazing how short five years can seem and in other ways how long it seems. I remember everything about March 1, 2008. I remember what I was wearing, the sequence of the day, and the overwhelming emotions that flooded my soul.

People carry the anniversaries of death, abuse, and life-changing days. Surprisingly, people often need others to remember these anniversaries more than the anniversaries of the good days. They need to be reminded that others remember with them and they are not alone. These can be some of the hardest and darkest days, especially during the first few anniversaries.

While at Divinity School, I have learned even more the significance of remembering with those you love. Remember the anniversaries of the hard days and remind that person how much you love them. Remember their pain and the importance of that particular day with them. Be present.

Many people remember March 1 with me -- people who were present on that day, people who have heard my story, and people who have walked with me at some point on the journey since that day. For their presence in my life, I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for a renewed relationship with my father, a reconciled relationship with my mother, and restored relationships with many of my siblings. This is how I remember well the anniversary of March 1, 2008. This has been the good. Today, as I remember, I am thankful to serve the God of redemption, reconciliation, and restoration.

Today I remember well, and I'm thankful for the many who remember with me.

Hope after despair

I don't normally try to tackle such momentous events, but my heart is heavy. The events from Friday are still fresh and on the forefront of minds, hearts, and prayers.

The darkness surrounding Friday’s tragedy in Sandy Hook is dense, and it is a reminder that darkness is ever looming. The reality is that however unbelievable and unreal it may seem, it happened. And I do not believe Friday was part of God's plan. It was not part of God's plan for 20 innocent children and 6 innocent adults to die because of one selfish man's act of violence. God had plans, beautiful plans, for the lives of those killed, but it was the sinful act of one individual that destroyed those plans. Darkness is always present.

How do we handle hearing about such atrocity, especially during the season of Advent? How can this season of Advent help us during this time?

Advent is marked by a spirit of expectation, anticipation, preparation, and longing. It was first the Israelites who yearned for deliverance from servitude in Egypt.  It is the cry of those who have experienced the oppressiveness of injustice in a sinful world, and yet who have hope of deliverance by a God who has heard the cries of the burdened and brought deliverance. It is that hope which brings to the world the anticipation of a King, and it is that hope that was once anticipated, and now anticipates anew, the reign of a Messiah who will bring peace and justice to the world. So, how do we effectively hold this idea of hope in tension with the present darkness?

We remember that there is hope after despair. God is deeply moved, concerned, and grieves with us. We are not alone. God also grieves over this loss and tragedy. We see in Jeremiah that God grieves and is saddened by the sinfulness of his people. Because God is so involved, healing will also come. God enters deeply into the suffering human situation and works the necessary healing from within. God is active. God is present. God is healing. And for God to so enter into the mournful situation means that mourning will not be the last word spoken. We can be honest with God and enter into mourning knowing that God has also wept. We can use authentic and vulnerable language with God because he is able and willing to hear our complaints and deepest sorrows.

We are called to constantly live in tension. We must be light in the darkness. We must be beacons of hope for those who are suffering. With faithful expectancy, restoration and hope will arise. As we hold grief in one hand, Advent calls us to remain hopeful and anticipate the coming of the Lord. We live in tension with what is and what will one day be.

I cling to the hope of restoration, and this hope is the light I hold against the darkness.

Happy One Year, CUDS!

Yesterday marked my one-year anniversary as a student at Campbell Divinity School. Though many moments seemed to make the transition into theological education real, the day I entered my first class was when it became validated. When I walked into that class, Introduction to Theological Education with Dr. Cogdill, I realized that I was exactly where God had called me, despite my fears, anxiety, and apprehensions.

This letter from Kelly changed my life.

My first day at Campbell was filled with many wonderful moments that make it memorable – we sang happy birthday to Kelly Jorgenson, there was an earthquake (though I never felt it), and I found out that my oldest brother was engaged.  Singing happy birthday to Kelly in the lobby of Taylor Hall was probably the most memorable part of my first day, though. Before I arrived at Campbell, Kelly Jorgenson’s voice was my favorite voice to hear. The day I received the phone call from her telling me I had been accepted to Campbell Div. and I was a recipient of a scholarship, I was in tears. Her emails, calls, and personal cards always made and make me feel like I am a special member of the CUDS family.

Durham Bulls game with Campbell friends.

What I have learned while here is that these special moments are not uncommon in this community. During this past year I have been blessed with a family when I needed one the most. Lunch dates with staff members, end-of-the-semester cookouts and dinners at professors’ houses, long talks with another student about his/her journey, and countless hours spent studying together for tests – this is what makes Campbell feel like home to me. The “Christ-Centered, Bible-Based, and Ministry-Focused” mission statement binds the students, professors and staff at CUDS.

CUDS family!

I have grown in many ways during my time at Campbell Divinity because of the balance between academic rigor and spiritual formation. Even through the stress of paper writing and studying, I realize how blessed I am to be a part of the best community of peers, professors and staff. It was not always easy during the past year, but that is part of this beautiful journey. Never alone – that is the promise. I am sharing this season of my life with some of the most amazing people I will ever meet. Our journey together is a small glimpse of what the church should look like -- open arms, willing to listen, willing to give of our time, and growing alongside other believers -- and we will take this part of our journey into our present and future ministries.

For this season in my life, I am thankful.

[Side note for my professors: do not critique my writing in this blog post, please.]